Testimony of God's Grace

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." 1 Corinthians 9:8

This verse is currently posted on bright yellow card stock in my kitchen. It's right there by my head as I wash dishes, wipe down counters, and prepare meals. I easily spend several hours a day in my kitchen, and many moments of those hours are spent reading and rereading that verse. It has been a verse that I have clung too nearly every day for several months, and even now as I type, I think upon the sweet promise of this verse rejoice for what the Lord has been working in my heart. My sinful, wicked, selfish heart. But we'll get to that later.

I think to fully get a grasp of how the Lord is performing wonderful works of grace in my heart now, it may be helpful to back up just briefly and give somewhat of a framework of my life before this particular season of motherhood I am now in.

Of course the greatest of God's grace in my life began when he first brought me to himself. I was a young girl, only 7, when I believe I became a child of God, and he has continued to pour out his grace upon me throughout my life. Truly, I am amazed as I look back to see his hand in my life. Being brought up by Christian parents who were faithful to bring my siblings and I to a bible-believing church was a blessing certainly beyond what I deserved. God was gracious to use my parents and a church faithful to the gospel to bring about an awareness in my heart of my need for Christ.

Fast-forward about 9 years and I see another of God's greatest gifts of grace in my life next to salvation: Calvinism. Okay, seriously though? I am serious! Upon my introduction to the Doctrines of Grace (I usually prefer this term to Calvinism, but it doesn't matter what you call it, it's biblical!)I virtually skyrocketed in my desire for God's Word, and become introduced to so many amazing people (and authors)who helped me grow to love Christ more than ever before. My family simultaneously began attending a new church, where wouldn't you know it, the pastor believed in the doctrines of grace! There is so much I could go into during these years of my life, but perhaps that is for another post. Through a string of events from this point forward, I ended up pursing a degree in Biblical and Theological studies in Louisville, KY where I met my husband, and gave birth to our first two children. God's grace brought me there. And that is where a new season of grace began to wash over me, and continues to do so with more fervency now in Minneapolis, where I am mother to three sons now, and wife to a hard-working seminary student.

And how exactly is God's grace working in my life now? Well, that is where this season of motherhood comes into play. My excitement and passion for sound theology and doctrine in my late teenage years and early 20's have now given way to practicality. In other words, my theology has taken shape into real, practical life. It's not so much knowledge in my head that I believed with my heart because I know I can trust God's Word. It's more. I know I desperately NEED God not simply because his Word makes it clear (which is true, and good), but because yesterday.... okay, today, I yelled at my children. Okay, big deal. Everyone yells at their kids, right? Well yes, it is a big deal. Because we are to "let no corrupting talk come from [our] mouths, but only such is profitable for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (Eph. 4:29---this one is red, also posted in my kitchen) And it's not even just a matter of yelling, it's my heart. I began to realize as my first child grew into toddler hood that I had an anger problem. Anger would start to boil up in my heart as that little child of mine would attempt to defy me and wield his will over mine. My first outburst of anger truly startled me. My first year of struggling with this "new found" anger, so-to-speak, was tumultuous. Of course this was not some sort of new sin. It was there, all along. In my heart. It simply had never surfaced.

I was unable to overcome on my own. I might have had a few good days where I really handled my sons well, patiently correcting and teaching them. But, soon enough I was at it again, yelling in anger at my poor children. Then, God's grace showed me something incredible. One day, I heard some neighbors yelling at one another. They were so angry with each other, screaming and cursing. As I heard them yelling, I began to shake my head, but only for a second. God grabbed at my heart and said, "And are YOU any better than they?" Tears streamed down my face. No. Surely, I am not. I too yell in anger, and at my dear, precious children! God had given them to me, to show them Christ, and all I was showing them was my selfish heart. I did not like being disobeyed. I did not like being inconvenienced by having to often deal with disciplinary issues. There my heart was laid bare to me: wicked, selfish and sinful.

But what mercy, and what grace is found in our beautiful Savior! He doesn't leave us there to wallow in our failures. His grace shows us our sin, and his grace helps us to overcome. By His grace I began to understand that just as I could not save myself without Christ and His Spirit drawing me to him, neither could I overcome my battle against sin without him. "Without me you can do nothing." How true. How precious and true it is.

I am so thankful the Lord has used my children to reveal my sinful heart. He has drawn it out in a way that has been painful. Oh but what joy to know that His death and resurrection has defeated the powers of hell and my sin is forgiven! In recent months he has graciously directed me to several resources to continue to encourage me in this area, most especially the verse quoted at the beginning of this post. God is able to make all grace about to me! So that I will have ALL sufficiency, at all times, even in my mothering, to ABOUND in EVERY GOOD WORK! It's a promise! I still battle, of course. But I feel a greater sense of dependence up Him. I am so much more in prayer than I have ever been in my life. And there is no sweeter place to be than resting in His strength. It is all grace that I should even see my sin, and grace that I should be able to turn to him for help! And grace that "he who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil 1:6). I want to end with a song that always brings me to tears. Happy, joyful tears. May you feel God's grace in whatever path he leads you through and find him to be your greatest treasure!

All I Have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)