Part 3: finally =)

I know a bit of time has lapsed since I wrote part 2 of my proclaimed 4-part post discussing the book "Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman. But if you will forgive my tardiness, I will continue on with part 3 and probably stop there for good. :) I obviously am not the most consistent blogger in the world, so I think cutting this down to 3 parts will be for the best.

In this section I want to basically relay to you the practical portion of this book. One of the greatest things I love about this book is that Plowman does not just tell you that disciplining our children is important and getting at the heart issue is key; she goes so much further to give practical examples of how this is done, in a wide variety of circumstances. I cannot reiterate enough how huge this was for me. Plowman equips the reader with the tools they need to put biblical training and discipline into action. There is such a wealth of examples flowing from this book that I will not possibly be able to touch on them all. I will simply try to condense it down to a few that I feel were most important and helpful to me in the broadest range of circumstances.

Heart Probing:

So we know that when we discipline our children, we don't simply want to change their outward behavior. We want to get to their hearts. We want to show them the reason they sin and disobey mommy, daddy and most importantly God, is because their hearts are sinful and selfish. But how can we possibly do this? One thing Plowman suggests is the use of heart probing questions. By asking our children heart probing questions in light of their sin and/or disobedience, we are teaching our children how to search and evaluate their own hearts for sinful motives.

For example: Every time I tell my sons to go wash their hands, they both make a mad dash for the bathroom. Each wants to get there first, and since Daniel is bigger he usually gets there just a tad ahead and then proceeds to make every effort to keep Micah out. He often times will even shove him out of the way so he can go first. Well this of course sets Micah to screaming and crying, and Daniel to bossing him about. As I set off to deal with the situation I can gently pull Daniel aside and ask him, "are you putting Micah ahead of yourself or are you being selfish?" Daniel usually responds with, "I'm being selfish." And I usually respond with "what do you think would be the kind and generous thing to do for Micah right now? How can you put him first?" And Daniel will think for a minute and respond with something like, "let him wash his hands first." Today, Daniel even added, "pull the stool up for him so he can get up and wash first." Asking Daniel these questions causes him to stop and think about his motives. He is evaluating his own heart, and while he is still only 3 years old, it is certainly a good habit to instill from a young age. And even at 3, Daniel is able to think through and respond to these questions.

Plowman offers a variety of questions that you can ask your children with regard to many circumstances, including disobedience, lying, teasing, whining, etc... And going hand in hand with these heart probing questions is the use of Scripture to reprove your children. In the example I gave above, I can remind Daniel that God's Word says to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (like Micah) better than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3) As I mentioned in a previous post, the use of God's Word in teaching our children is the most powerful tool we have! God's Word is what changes hearts, and you can never speak the Word of God too much to your children, especially in instances of discipline and correction.

Reproof ("Put off") and Encouragement ("Put On")

Plowman encourages parents to not only use Scripture to reprove our children in teaching them to put off sinful behavior, but to also teach our children to put on righteous behavior. So often we simply take our child aside, swat their bottoms, tell them why they were wrong, and then send them packing. Rebuking wrong behavior without teaching right behavior will only exasperate our children. We need to encourage them in righteous behavior before we send them back on their way. Again, with the example of Daniel and Micah, after Daniel receives his discipline and is told to put off his selfish behavior by putting Micah first, I am then to encourage him to put on righteous behavior. I should not simply say, "Don't be selfish!" But I am to ask him, as mentioned earlier, how he could show love for Micah and how he could put Micah first. As Daniel answered with "pull the stool up for Micah so he can wash first," he was thinking about how he could pursue righteous behavior the next time. So I not only reprove him, but I also encourage him to put on righteousness. Doing so in the long run helps give our children the tools they need to not only do what it takes to avoid getting in to trouble, but to live righteous lives that honor God and accord with His Word.

Avoiding the use of worldly methods of discipline:

Plowman not only encourages you in biblical, heart probing discipline. She goes a step further and tells you what NOT to do when disciplining your children, and the reasons why these methods are harmful to our children. I must admit I find myself resorting to several of these methods at times simply because the biblical way is just too much work! But it's work that is well worth the effort!

*Counting- I was impressed by Plowman's boldness to include "counting" as a worldly method of discipline. The reason counting to 3, or 10 or whatever it is is so harmful to our children is that it is teaching our children delayed obedience. Our children know that when mommy tells them to do something, they don't have to stop what they are doing right away and obey. They simply have to obey by the time mommy gets to that magic number. That's not what God expects of us. He expects us to trust him and to obey. Period. We are the authority over our children, and unless they learn to obey right away--the first time mommy makes a command-- they will not learn to trust and obey; they will simply learn how to keep getting what they want for as long as they possibly can. Their hearts are not pointed toward obedience, but toward their own selfishness. If you tell you child to come to you and you know they heard you, then you are to expect them to come immediately. Not after you count to 5. Right away. And if they don't, they are to receive discipline.

*Yelling/raising your voice/repeating yourself-- This is similar to counting, in that you are teaching your children that they do not have to obey you until you get really mad--until you start raising your voice and yelling at them. This is also teaching them delayed obedience. They don't have to obey you until you start getting red in the face and scream out your demands. And repeating yourself is also a form of delayed obedience. You should only have to tell your child one time what you want. But if you start repeating yourself and only take action after about the 4th or 5th time you tell your child to do something, they will begin to take advantage of your inconsistency and try to get away with doing what they want (selfishness) for as long as you keep up with repeating yourself. All these things are harmful for your child in the long run because you are unknowingly helping them get away with as much as they possibly can instead of teaching them that God expects complete, whole-hearted, immediate obedience. ("Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord" Colossians 3:20)

*A few other examples that I lack the time or space to go into detail are threatening and warning, as well using emotional manipulation to try to get your children to obey. All these things are negative methods that will only point your children away from heart issues, but toward obedience for the mere sake of pleasing man, and not for pleasing God.

Biblical Discipline: The Rod

I know this is an incredibly controversial issue these days, even among Christians. However, I completely agree with Plowman when she states that the best way to discipline our children is also the only biblical way, and that way is "the rod" or, as it is better known, spanking. Now, first let's make something very, very clear. If you think of spanking and envision a frustrated, angry mother or father grabbing their child, turning them over on their knee and then just letting loose all their frustration into their child as they wail into them and want to cry out, "but that's abuse!!" then I will completely agree with you. Wholeheartedly. A parent should never vent their frustrations on their child. They should NEVER, EVER discipline their children in anger. That is NOT biblical discipline, and that is not what the use of the rod is about. Unfortunately for godly parents who desire to biblically discipline their children, this is the stereotype. Therefore anyone who spanks their child has the unfortunate stigma of being abusive. But the Bible is very clear on this matter:

Proverbs 13:24 "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly."

Proverbs 19:18 "Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction."

Proverbs 22:15 "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him."

Proverbs 29:15 "The rod and rebuke gives wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."

The use of the rod is the method that God has laid out for us to discipline our children. It is not abusive, but loving. Of course, it can be abusive if it is done as described above. We are to be gentle, and loving in our discipline. We are to have complete control of our emotions when we discipline our children. If a parent is too angry in the moment to administer discipline, then they should first seek time to calm down, seek the Lord's help, and delay discipline until they are no longer angry. A helpful hint Plowman gave was to tell your child how many times you are going to swat their bottom. That way there is control in the discipline and you are not just wailing away at their bottom. Also, if you do not feel you can walk away from the discipline and completely and freely forgive your child, then do not discipline yet. After the spanking is done, there should be nothing more to hold against your child. You should not hold a grudge, and you should let your child know with a hug that you love them and you completely forgive them. Walk away, and dwell on it no more. These are all helpful tips, I thought, in guarding against spanking unbiblically. "If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Galatians 6:1a.

Well this certainly was a mouthful, but I hope it can be of some help and encouragement to you. Hopefully it will encourage you to get this book and read it for yourself! God really used this book to help me in my disciplining and training of my sons. Reviewing this information all over again has been a refresher for me, and I pray that many other parents out there will seek the Lord for His help and strength in raising their children to become followers of Christ! God bless you in all of your endeavors to honor Him as your supreme joy and treasure in life!

Rachelle